I have a secret. I have a pattern of sleeping with men without sex. I sleep with them and feel intimate without doing it. What made me create this kind of relationship? I had this pattern in the past many times for as long as I remembered. I will be intimate with a boy friend then I will withhold sex. What made me do this? Recently I created this pattern again, this time it was the opposite, the man does not want to make love to me. But I stayed sleeping with him for a year without sex because I realized it felt safe for me. This was my comfort zone.
Then, it made more sense, I was sexually molested by my father when I was 15. I had a close relationship with him when I was a child. Until the day he sucked my breast and I was in shocked. I screamed and run towards my mom, to tell her that my father did this to me. My mother did not believe me and instead told me that it was a dream and that it did not happen. My world was turned upside down. I lost myself. I lost my trust from my parents that were supposed to love and trust me.
This is the root of this pattern. I am confused about my boundaries and what is the true meaning of intimacy? I am blocked, allowing this intimate relationship and yet unable to be sexually intimate together. I had to explore the depth of this situation. I went home from a personal retreat and was messaging my daughter and fiancée. I cried and was in pain for creating a relationship that was not wholesome. I found out I was still carrying deep pain from my father. How can this be? After all this healing that I have done, I am still ruined when it comes to relationship.
Today I am revealing this darkness into Light. I am not here to be your healer but to share what kind of challenges I go through in my sexuality. This is the true and raw version of my deep soul healing. The most painful part of my life had transpired when I was a child. This is the sickest thing to talk about. I am baring my soul, to help lighten up your load. My son Theo is behind this revelation. He was taken away too young from suicide. He was so close to me as he was also sexually abused when he was a child.
With this revelation, my intention is reach out to you who is experiencing dark night of the soul. That there is hope, there is Light in the midst of darkness. I am a living miracle of this trauma. If I can surpass this challenge you can too, because we are here to be warriors of the Light.
I will reveal my writings for an upcoming book Sacred Sexuality. The pain, judgement, shame and guilt that I had taken from others that did not belong to me. I am giving all of these dark emotions to my predators and forgive them for they are unconscious. I am claiming back my divine right as a sacred soul. I am incarnated here to reveal the secrets in the darkness.
Sexuality is a powerful portal. When we get abused, it does not stop there. We become attach to layers of lower frequencies of emotions such as anger, revenge, hate, mistrust, rejections, judgement, guilt, shame, depression, suicidal and many others. It is a space where we hide all of our painful emotions, we become victims all over again because we lie and hide behind our mask that all is well.
Nothing is going to change if we do not voice out our pain. We keep adding pain into pain. We become addicts of our hidden emotions. We go from so many healing modalities to another modality thinking we can heal this. We can only heal when we bare our soul. Nothing is hidden in God or the Universe. We are here as ambassadors of Light. To feel the pain and share the pain. In our struggles we become vulnerable and have the courage to share our truth. Then, may be we can be free from all the illusions that we create. Free from all the confusions that we have, we can find clarity and inner peace with our lives. This is the beginning of my revelation from darkness into Light.
I am deeply humbled to be in this sacred space with the Atlantis Archangels that helped me find the courage to face this shadow. They are my Light warriors to give me the strength to be who I am. To bestow upon me the grace to be a voice of darkness into Light.
“May you find inner peace and divine Light in your dark night of the soul. May you forgive those that had harmed you. May you forgive yourself. May you be Light.”