It had been a year of my son Theo’s transition, tonight I was touched by the love of many dear hearts that had sent their warmest love to us. It felt like it was just yesterday, a year had passed and my heart remained the same. A huge void, broken open yet grateful that we are truly supported by our community of family and friends through out this tragedy.
As a mother I am broken that I will never hear his laughters again, see his dance moves and feel his kisses and tight hugs once again.. these are the physical longings of my broken heart. Even though I know that his spirit is always with me, in times of anniversary and celebrations I feel this void in my heart.
My mind is empty, my heart is numb and my spirit is low. This is the truth. But I have to pick up my self to be strong, to have the courage to move forward..Tonight I will not deny myself to be..however I truly feel is what is suppose to be. There is no censorship, I am alone reflecting through this mirror of sadness. Deep within me is dark. There is no light, there is a rift in my realities. I am back in that cold Nov day when I was summoned by two police men and questioned, how was Theo when I last saw him? I was distraught, in denial of the physical reality..my son is in coma. It was surreal, it only dawned on me that I was a walking zombie. My peeps thought I was strong, but now I know that I was numbed. I am only starting to feel my pain. I was in a trance, to be strong for my children. It was like a dress rehearsal. But now it is here, I do not need to be strong anymore. They are okay, but I am not. For all those months, I was in denial of my pain. I did not allow myself to be in pain. I want to be strong. But tonight I chose to be in pain. To feel this broken heart. There is no one beside me, I can allow myself to feel this pain.
Theo’s earth angel wrote to me tonight about her pain and it opened me up. I know there is more to this process. But I am here present with how I truly feel. The many questions of why?? I chose to let go of these questions, I choose to flow. I lighted a candle and ask God to hover around me. To give me the strength to face this one more time. To comfort me. I guess this is the healing of a mother’s heart. You feel torn apart, unable to give life back to your child. The irony of our lives, we bear children and we bury our own children.
I offer my prayers to all the sufferings of all mothers and fathers who had lost their own children. That we may be comforted in knowing that our children are free, always eternal and always will be. What is the bigger picture of this tragedy? Losing Theo, creates this deep love. This was a part of the bigger plan that his soul had agreed to signed for. Even though it was hard for us to accept, he came into our lives to wake us up. To make us realized that love is deep.
Love is precious, to be present, to be broken open..
As a child Theo and I had this kind of love. I knelt down in the carpet, cried like manic to get his attention when he was lost and confused…to shook him up that he matters!!!! I thought I won the battle, but at the end I lost him. I can not look back and feel this void in my heart..I have to take a stride to create a deeper walk, to know that Theo was born this way. He came to break my heart open in order to for me to love the world! This huge gap in my heart is now filled with this kind of love of all the souls that he touched. We are blessed to know and experienced this kind of love. We know deep within, his soul is dancing …celebrating our hearts that know what is the true meaning of love. We lost Theo physically yet we now have an eternal warrior. Who taught us to love deeper and hank you Theo for this greatest gift. Thank you so much for being a part of our lives. We are blessed. Be at peace my beloved son, you have won the battle.